saint_monkey

FDA/CDC WARN AGAINST BLOOD DONATIONS BY THOSE POSSIBLY EXPOSED TO FARMING FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Tuesday, October 11, 2005 Contact: CDC Press Office (404) 639-3286 After polling large numbers of Agricultural districts, the Food and Drug Administration and Centers for Disease Control today announced that they fear that "Farming may be in the blood." As a precautionary measure, The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) are advising that individuals who are currently employed in Agribusinesses and have subsequently donated blood or plasma within four weeks should immediately notify the blood or plasma establishment where the donation occurred. If notified, blood establishments should take immediate steps to retrieve the potentially affected blood and blood components intended for transfusion. CDC and FDA will continue to actively monitor the situation in an attept to avert a nationwide outbreak of Farming. Earlier this year, a housewife in Trenton New Jersey began tilling her living room after receiving an emergency transfusion from am Iowan Soybean farmer. Subsequent evaluation of this incident by CDC and FDA has revealed that on at least four occasions individuals who might have been exposed to Farming have donated blood at other establishments where outbreaks of Farming have occurred. Health professionals should report any adverse, severe, or sudden incidents of Farming or other Agrarian activities associated with Farming to MedWatch, FDA's adverse reporting program, at 1-800-FDA-1088 and to their blood bank. ####

Do I really need to mention that this is fake?

Now that hyperlink to New York Times story (registration required) on latest political outrage has occurred, we can see that link to the BBC.com version of the same story, masquerading as a corroboration, coupled with bizarre statement from "Daily KOS," "The Drudge Report," or "The Times of India" on the topic from about six months ago, Leads us inescapably to link of retouched photoshop pic from "somethingawful.com"'s forum page, featuring the head of Brittney Spears and the body of Ron Jeremy. (and / or the "goatse" man.)

Can outrageous leap of logic and chicken little over-reaction, be far behind?

http://www.metafilter.com

Note: With only slight editing, the outrageous leap of logic will be reported on CNN the next day.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 23, 2004

Charging that a loosely orchestrated effort of the Justice Department has resulted in a general state of "Funk Oppression," the ACLU today filed a suit in U.S. District Court in Washington DC. ACLU spokesman Edwin C. Yohnka, stated that the "Framers wanted us to be funky," and that the actions of the Government were seriously undermining a "Right to Funk" inferred by Justice Brennan in Wilson v Starland Vocal Band, in 1976.

Statements from "Parliament and the Funkadelic" today demanded that the government, and specifically outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft, "Get up off the Funk." Parliament frontman George Clinton stated variously that "We want the funk," "We need the funk," and "We gotta have that funk."

Fears abound that unless Funk shortages are allayed, Parliament and other funky insurgents will carry through with threats made in the past to: "Turn this mother out," and to get a "Whole lotta a rhythm goin round."

Aside from the obvious inflammatory statements from Parliament, an additional statement of support was made by from Kool and the Gang, expressing dismay at a general Funk shortage. "Can't get enough of that Funky Stuff." Said Robert "Kool" Bell, sadly adding "I'm tryin, I'm tryin."

The suit will affect hundreds of thousands of citizens who receive subsistence-level Funk benefits because their age or disabilities prevent them from obtaining Funk of their own. More than seventy per cent of those affected live in the so-called "Red" states, where levels of Funk have been steadily declining, and now are at a 40 year low. Press Secretary Scott McClellan, speaking on behalf of the Bush administration, said that the United States is "As funky as it wants to be," citing cyclic Funk levels throughout history, and the resurgence in popularity of Mark "Marky-Mark" Wahlberg, who once headed the "Funky Bunch," and Aaron Carter, who had a semi-hit with "Who Got the Funk?" McClellan further said that the Funk shortage is merely a low-point on the general Funk trend, similar to 1950, and declines from the Funk-rich Clinton years to "more reasonable levels" would naturally seem like a Funk shortage to the layman.

The lawsuit, ACLU v. Ashcroft, is asking the federal court to issue an injunction to halt the Funk cut-off (scheduled for August 22 of this upcoming year) by barring enforcement of Section 402 of the Personal Funk Reconciliation Act of 1978.

I've figured out how to get rich.

Step One: Create a company to make and sell specialized cat sweaters.

Step Two: Invent a machine that you say deciphers cat language into English. Have it say "Let me out," "Give me food!," and "More catnip, beyotch." at random, since that's all that cats want anyhow.

Step Three: Advertise in Cat Fancy and sell a whole bunch of these to crazy old cat ladies.

Step Four: After a month, the box translates all your cat's language into "Buy me a Ziegler Brand™ Kitty Sweater!"

Step Five: Embedded microchip in kitty sweater turns off all sweater demands in the cat language translator, for a month, after which the box translates all statements to "I'm tired of this Ziegler Brand™ Kitty Sweater, buy me a blue (or red, green, yellow, whatever) one."

Step Six: Lather, Rinse, Repeat, and Profit, baby!

IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES, ® do you feel like many recent Terror Warnings are overblown? Do the terms, "Not based on new information," and "are often uncorroborated and contain no new evidence" place doubt in your mind about the validity of these warnings?

You could be suffering from an acute lack of FEAR.

Recent studies by the FDA indicate that the average American needs at least 500 grams of FEAR daily in order to feel like the current administration is taking steps to ensure a "Safer ,Stronger, Better America."

Significant lack of FEAR in your diet could lead to levels of "Security" that could be deemed dangerous in THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES,® and could lead to close critical examination of Educational Programs, Foreign Policy, and Economic Failure.

WARNING: Side effects of FEAR include, but are not limited to: Nearsightedness, Panic Attacks, Tunnel Vision, and in extreme cases, No-Bid Contracts for Haliburton.

In a recent post about book recommendations, my brother Ben (aka

rilt) recommended a lot of things, and I was about to respond to one of his suggestions, but I thought I might put it up as its own post.

Steffan's Wheel of Time Cliff Notes

I've read the Wheel of Time for as far as it has gone. I must say that the Wheel of Time in general is good. Character development is superb, and the characters act according to motivations that fall into their well established or evolving personalties. They do things that are not the best thing for the story, but are definitely the best thing for them at the moment. Some fantasy series really fail on the character development/character motivation front. For an egregious example, check out Moorcock's "Elrick" series. Elrick is an unconvincing and flat as they come. Anyhow, for all of its excellent work with Characters, plotwise with the Wheel of Time, I feel like I'm being played for a sucker. The plot always goes:

1) Resolution of prior cliffhanger
2) Hero attempts to obtain Objective N, ponderous inching towards objective is initiated, things are hampered by the weather, politics, and an attempt to find out what exactly a "hauberd" is. Along the way, Objective N becomes Objective N₁, ... , Objective N_i
3) Huge setback, hero is betrayed by one of several thousand shady minor characters and must be rescued by friends. This takes an entire book's worth of trench digging, siege engine construction, oil boiling, and codpiece adjusting. No ground is made on the hauberd front. Lan thinks it may be a type of battle axe, but Perrin is convinced it is a piece of armor. Matt decides to get drunk.
4) Hero is rescued, on to Objective N₁, ... , Objective N_i which is achieved with minor difficulties.
5) Previously Dead Villain is resurrected, and/or previously living Villain is killed (possibly by previously Dead Villain.) Various minor friends become shady, shady minor friends are shown to be trustworthy.
6) Objective N₁, ... , Objective N_i revealed to be a clever subterfuge masking Objective WTF?
7) Much gearing up, political discussion, advancement of love plotlines occurs. Plans are made to begin Operation "achieve/diffuse/destroy/alphabetize Objective WTF?" but before this can occur the plot dead ends in a cliffhanger because of a freak hauberd explosion.
8) Steffan begins the four year wait for Book 27, The Thousandfold Path of Firey Shadow's Doomlike Unchecked Western Expansion.

But don't get me wrong, I'm totally hooked.

PurplOne: Dig if u will the picture

SntMnky: Dig? a picture? Okay, a bit odd but, I'm with you ... It's like earthworks, right, like Kristo... Hold on, I'll get my shovel.

PurplOne: Of u and I engaged in a kiss

SntMnky: Oh! Suprising image, but I'm open minded. I mean, you're a little short, but perhaps you're wearing platforms or something...

PurplOne: The sweat of your body covers me

SntMnky: Ew, now that's beginning to get odd. I mean have we been bottling it or something? and if so, No, I'm sorry, that's just gross.

PurplOne: Can u my darling Can u picture this?

SntMnky: Well, now that you've been so graphic in your description, I'm afraid I can't get it out of my head, you little troll.

PurplOne: Dream if u can a courtyard

SntMnky: OK. if you can keep your mind out of the gutter ... courtyard, OK. Got it. I'm digging the courtyard picture and stuff.

PurplOne: An ocean of violets in bloom

SntMnky: Ah! Gardening! I'm going to need that shovel again, hold on a sec ... Hey, that's not bad, except, * chooo! * they're making me sneeze! I'm alergic to digging these violets!

PurplOne: Animals strike curious poses

SntMnky: Animals, do what? What are you doing to the animals? Stop it! Ewwww! Poor bunny, now you've made it all purple! You are one sick puppy. No! Leave the puppy alone, that's not what I meant!

PurplOne: They feel the heat The heat between me and u

SntMnky: Ah, so it's HOT! So that explains all the sweat.

PurplOne: How can u just leave me standing?

SntMnky: What? did I miss something? was I supposed to call a cab?

PurplOne: Alone in a world that's so cold? (So cold)

SntMnky: It's cold now? It was hot just a second ago. You're too fickle! How can I dig things if you keep changing them round?

PurplOne: Maybe I'm just 2 demanding

SntMnky: I'm starting to get that impression, yes.

PurplOne: Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold

SntMnky: You think? I mean, you hardly know me. And already you've propositioned me, vandalized some garden, and put animals in poses.

PurplOne: Maybe you're just like my mother

SntMnky: If that's the case, get yer mum a cup of coffee, will you? That's a good lad. (And fetch me my razor, your mother needs a shave.)

PurplOne: She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)

SntMnky: This coffee is cold! And the razor is dull! I don't know why I bother! For the third time, leave those animals alone!

PurplOne: Why do we scream at each other

SntMnky: You just don't listen unless I raise my voice. I've tried talking rationally, and all you do is have a go at the animals.

PurplOne: This is what it sounds like When doves cry

SntMnky: See? You and the animals. Maybe they're crying because they are tired of the poses? You think?

PurplOne: Touch if u will my stomach

SntMnky: With my sweat all over you?? No thanks.

PurplOne: Feel how it trembles inside

SntMnky: I'm touching the inside? Just how is that happening? Never mind, I don't want to know.

PurplOne: You've got the butterflies all tied up

SntMnky: Bugs and bondage now? What was that safe word again? I am SO out of here. See you later, pervert.

PurplOne: Don't make me chase u

SntMnky: Champ, it's y-o-u, "you." Try it, you might like it. And if you come near me it's restraining order city!

PurplOne: Even doves have pride

SntMnky: Evidently, not a lot.

I've mentioned this to mystery before, but I think the time has come to put it here.

I have a really good idea for a reality show. We take two people and put them on a giant stove. Then the heat gradually increases until someone yells out "IT'S TOO HOT!" then the other person gets the money. The hosts (who would be kooky japanese sarary man types,) would throw things on the big stove as the heat goes up, like jello, or eggs, to illustrate to the audience how hot things are getting.

We could call the show "IT'S TOO HOT!" or maybe "SUPER HOT SHOWCASE" (These are just working titles.)

I've got other ideas, but I don't want you to steal them, so I'll only tell you the working titles for them too:

"IT'S TOO COLD!"
"IT'S TOO ACIDIC!"
"I CAN'T SWIM!"
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET HIM GET ME!"
"SILENT POODLE, DEADLY POODLE!"
"BROCCOLI SHOWDOWN! (Vol 1)"

(The big secret is the exclaimation point. You look at TV nowadays, no show names have exclaimation points. Would "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" have been cancelled if it was titled "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!" ? I think not.)

^{* reading this entry constitutes an agreement between you and me that we agree that this is all prior art, and if you steal it, you'll be in big trouble, buddy. Don't mess with me, my lawyer looks great in a dress and the judge will totally give me the decision cause he'll be trying to look up her blouse, unless she's a lady, in which case I'm gonna make muscles at her. If it is Judge Judy, that's OK, cause she doesn't like anybody except people who've got their shit together and you better believe it that I've got mine. It's all labelled and in a bag, MOFO.)}

Saturday, February 28, 2004 Posted: 8:39 PM EST (0139 GMT)

(CNN) -- A recent Time/CNN poll shows that the majority of Americans have decided to not be part of the solution, opting instead to become part of the problem.

With most respondents focusing on gaining their scant portion of the 1% of wealth not already controlled by the corporate elite, there seems to be less and less focus on the solution, and some people even have trouble defining the problem.

"I don't know WHAT that guy's problem is." Said Mary McPhail about an apparently deranged homeless man ranting on the Mall in Washington DC, "But I'm sure that I can become part of it much easier than I can hope to solve it, and I'm pretty positive that I can do that simply by ignoring him and doing what I was going to do anyhow."

"I just don't have time to worry about other people and their issues." Said Bob Jones of Colorado Springs Colorado. "I've got my Hummer to buy, because then girls will look at it and think of giving me a blowjob. I can't stop to think about people without homes… Let them live in condos."

"I realize that Jesus talked about the Golden rule and all," said Mary Williams, a Network Administrator from Mercer Island, "But Jesus didn't have to deal with all the shit we've got to deal with today. I mean, I'm not sure he'd be so willing to turn the other cheek if it meant he was going to loose his place in line at Starbucks."

Cynthia Hilar of Medford, New Jersey told CNN today that "I was pricing 1 carat engagement rings, and I learned about how they cut off babies arms and stuff in Tunisia, and it TOTALLY reminded me that I want to have a baby soon, so I opted for the half carat ring instead."

"The earth will always be here," said Jack Collins of Portland, "and I think those environmentalists are just Chicken Little. I mean, we could use some global warming right, what with all these severe winters and El Ninos and shit. I mean, we can't fill all the landfills with the trash that I make, so I'm doing MY part. Sometimes I worry about my unborn children though."

But Mark Phillips of Sioux City Iowa summed up the opinion of most of those polled:

"Fuck my unborn children." He Said. "What have they ever done for me?"

Is your life a shambles? Do you lack direction? Is your life constantly plagued by questions for which there are no easy answers? Have you tried everything? Religions, Meditation, Guided therapy? Nothing works, right? I am here to tell you that ONLY ONE THING WILL.

ACCESSORIES.

Now I can hear you saying "The secret to eternal bliss can be as simple as ACCESSORIES?"

YES!

Yes it can. And we are here to help.

Your trouble obtaining Nirvana could be due to the wrong yoga mat or the incorrect scent of incense. Obstacles in your life can be traced to the improper placement of Shiva's limbs, or the incorrect angle on Lord Ganesa's trunk. Failure to hear the voice of Yahweh could be due to the inexact number of beads in your rosary... Or the use of a forbidden shade of blue in your Sacred Heart of Jesus Scented candle. Allah's bliss could be avoiding you because you are improperly orienting yourself with Quibla due to a compass calibrated by a heathen. Finding the bliss you seek could be as simple as ensuring that the Holy Water you use was personally blessed by the pope.... Or alternately, never touched by that heathen Anti-Pope, you decide... We aren't here to judge, just to help you reach salvation as quickly and assuredly as possible!

Like all of life's problems, this can be solved with MONEY! Send $14.95 for our complete catalog of fully sanctified, fully functional, Religious Accessories, never be caught in a snake handling service without your "Blessed John the Baptist Fully Blessed Snake Handling Truth is the Armor of God Gloves" again! Be the envy of all the other Buddhists with your authentic Human Skull bowl made from the bones of a twelfth century Boddhisafa. So act now, don't delay! Supplies are limited and operators are standing by! Remember, only 144,000 shall be sealed, so every advantage you can get will help you secure the garden spot on the right hand side of the throne....Or the left... Or whatever... Like we said, we aren't here to judge.

ATTENTION CORPORATE MARKETING EXECUTIVES!!!

What do you think of when you see a SMELLY BUM?
“EW?”
the growing gap between the “haves” and the “have-nots?”
“I hope that’s not MY BMW he’s wiping with that smelly dishrag…?”

How about OPPORTUNITY? Ever think of THAT?

Well, folks, I’m here to tell you that each one of these smelly miscreants is a filthy GOLDMINE! For a nominal fee, We can represent your company and distribute:
TEE SHIRTS,
BALL CAPS,
FLEECE PULLOVERS,
BLANKETS,
To each homeless person we find loitering in any area you designate!
And for an additional fee, our GRAPHIC DESIGN department will craft individual
“HOMELESS – GOD BLESS (underwritten by YOUR COMPANY NAME HERE)” signs for each and every bum.
You will be surprised at how well this WORKS!

These movable sandwich boards can display your slogan, your logo, your corporate philosophy, in ways you never dreamed of! Reach incredible new target markets as your human cockroaches squeeze into every conceivable societal crack… As they aggressively panhandle in front of the 7-11, they will also be aggressively forcing YOUR CORPORATE IDENTITY down the THROATS of customers you could never reach! PLUS, with the help of our highly trained ACCOUNTANTS, and our designation as a “Faith based” charitable organization, you can actually WRITE OFF this lucrative ad campaign as a TAX FREE DONATION TO THE POOR!

So turn those undesireables into unforgettable opportunities! Never look at a bum the same way again, as they peddle, peddle, peddle, funds right into your coffers!

i haven't had anything to say for a long time now. i'm sort of holed up for a bit. haven't gone to work in i don't know, a while. been taping cardboard on my windows, locking down the doors. it began a bit ago, the actor, Colin Farrell, is stalking me. I saw him on TV the other day, and then again, really far off, and now, more and more i see him, from the corner of my eye... last night there was this crash out by the dumpster and i saw him again, the actor, Colin Farrell, he looked like perhaps he was going through the garbage cans... I just saw his retinas glowing in the night at first, and then he darted under my neighbor's white cadiallac escalade....now i'm sure he's been in the apartment. i've started taping my hair on the door when i leave, but they are never disturbed when i come home, EXCEPT... the other day i noticed that the hairs are NOT mine. They don't hold up to microscopic evaluation...and inside, the place is subtley different, at fist i thought the furniture had been moved, but i made the measurements and everything is still laid out properly... after a bit i figured it out, the actor, Colin Farrell has been in my apartment, and he's re-painted all the walls, the paint is really thick, and the thing is, it's maybe half a shade different... before it was eggshell, now it is this subtle disgusting cream color. Then we got all these photos back from the store and you could see, in some of them, the actor, Colin Farrell.... in the background....I showed them to someone I worked with and they said that it looked like "lens flare," but I know better... I had them verified by an expert and she said that they were the genuine article, that no photographic trickery had been used.... But i'm not sure about her, because right after i left she jumped on the phone... i thought maybe she was calling in, you know, to check in... with the actor, Colin Farrell... or is he Colin Firth? I don't know, I get the two of them mixed up.

"hello, service "X", how may i help you?"

(translation: how do i get you to go away as quickly as possible?)

"um yes, maybe you can...i'm not sure if i'm calling the right place, but.."

(translation: i have a minor crisis that i'd like to blow way out of proportion)

"i'll do my best...may i have your account /order/personal identifier?"

(i'll do only enough to get you off my phone as soon as possible)

"thanks! it's 'long series of random alpha numeric characters' "

(I'm just going to call back nine times about the same issue within the next hour anyhow, because i am unsatisfied with your resolution.)

"ah i see, the order/problem/service, is clearly completed/resolved/impossible to resolve/which should have been evident/could not be determined without significant effort/easily."

(this is the ninetieth time i have relayed this information today,)

"ah, i see, thank you."

(i do not understand and am preparing to call again, in hopes that your illogical and patently un customer driven system can be better deciphered by a different customer service drone with less of an attitude.)

"thanks for using service "X" and have a nice day!"

(you are incompetent)

"you too!"

(you too!)

One shop stopping for your "Countdown to Armageddon" paranoia supplies:

To aid you in construction of your "wasn't the fall of Bagdad prophecized/predicted/etc by the Bible/Nostradamus/China Gate Fortune Cookie..?" livejournal entries, I've constructed a list of the appropriate biblical verses and or Nostradamus Quatrains. these aren't oft misquoted mistranslations, circulated by chain mail, these are the real deal! Quote with surety! and remember to act now, be the first kid on your block to say that the "end is near!" Otherwise, you'll feel pretty silly when the other televangelists like Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and the Bush administration release their own versions of the approaching Christian Doom! Act quickly enough and you'll be quoted as a "Reliable Source" by the O'Reilly Factor" and the "Drudge Report!"

Appropriate Biblical Verses:

Psalms 137:1 "By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept"
Jeremiah 29:10 "Seventy years are completed for Babylon..."
Jeremiah 51, all of it is good, but especially look at Jer 51:37 "Babylon will be a heap of ruins..." and 51:48 " Then heaven and earth, and all that is in them, will shout for joy over Babylon, for out of the north destroyers will attack her, declares the Lord."
and of course, the old stadby, Revelation, has a few mentions, most notably Rev 14:8 "Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great!"

(For the official "King James Version" translations, use the http://www.crucify.org website King James Search Engine. Remember, the King James Version of the Bible is "the only one that Satan hasn't messed with." -Jack Chick

Nostradamus Quatrains by the Nostradamus Repository website; (http://www.nostradamus-repository.org/search/) Where their motto is: "The Nostradamus Repository, home of the Casino Pop-up, reliably crashing your web browser for three years."

Search results for "Babylon"

C8Q96
The sterile synagogue without any fruit,
will be received by the infidels,
the daughter of the persecuted (man) of Babylon,
miserable and sad, they will clip her wings.

C10Q86
Like a griffin will come the King of Europe,
Accompanied by those of "Aquilon":
He will lead a great troop of red ones and white ones,
And they will go against the King of Babylon.

Search Results for "Persia"

C1Q70
Rain, famine, war in Persia not over,
the too great faith will betray the monarch,
finished there begun in Gaul:
secret sign for one to be moderate.

C2Q96
Burning torch will be seen in the sky at night
near the end and beginning of the Rhone:
Famine, steel: the relief provided late,
Persia turns to invade Macedonia.

C3Q64
The chief of Persia will occupy great Olchades,
The trireme fleet against the Mahometan people
From Parthia, and Media: and the Cyclades pillaged:
Long rest at the great Ionian port.

C3Q77
The third climate included under Aries
The year 1727 in October,
The King of Persia captured by those of Egypt:
Conflict, death, loss: to the cross great Shame.

C3Q78
The chief of Scotland, with six of Germany
Captive of the Eastern seamen:
They will pass Gibraltar and Spain,
Present in Persia for the fearful new King.

C5Q25
The Arab Prince Mars, Sun, Venus, Leo,
The rule of the Church will succumb by sea:
Towards Persia very nearly a million men,
The true serpent will invade Byzantium and Egypt.

C5Q27
Through fire and arms not far from the Black Sea,
He will come from Persia to occupy Trebizond:
Pharos, Mytilene to tremble, the Sun joyful,
The Adriatic Sea covered with Arab blood.

C5Q86
Divided by the two heads and three arms,
The great city will be vexed by waters:
Some great ones among them led astray in exile,
Byzantium hard pressed by the head of Persia.

C10Q21
Through the spite of the King supporting the lesser one,
He will be murdered presenting the jewels to him:
The father wishing to impress nobility on the son
Does as the Magi did of yore in Persia.

No Results for "Tigris," "Euphrates," or "Saladin." Other suggested seraches, "Antichrist" and "Armageddon." (Perhaps "Turban" and "Arab." as well.)

warning, this parody has not been authorized by the department of homeland security.

WASHINGTON: The New York Times published a story on Friday that outlined the Pentagon's plans for administering the nation of Iraq in the aftermath of any military actions there. The system will be set up along time tested and historically proven prior militarily administered occupations, such as MacArthur's occupation of Japan.

The story goes on to supply a significant amount of detail. The nation will be divided into four ethnic sublocalities, each to be governed by a regional tribal warlord. There shall be a quarter of the country for the Sunnis, a quarter for the Kurds, a quarter for the Shiites and a Quarter for the Turkomans and Asyrians. Each regional warlord or tribal magician, or "Witch" if you will, shall be then divided by polarity, with each having an opposing viewpoint, one generally "Good Witch" will be installed in the North and South, and one "Bad Witch" in both the East and West. Hopefully minor orchestrated skirmishes between the forces of each opposing Witch will divert and distract attention from any large scale uprising which would threaten the general security of the nation.

The nation as a whole shall be governed by a central administrative authority, probably the commander of the US Persian Gulf Forces. However, to ensure an air of unapproachable mysticisim, that commander shall be known in Iraq as a "Wizard", preferrably one that is "Great and Terrible." Naturally, any authority would need to retain the ancient and centrally located capital of Bagdad, but the city itself, (which the administration expects to suffer considerable damage during the war of occupation, ) shall be rebuilt into a large crystalline green city. Green, ( or "Emerald," as this city will be known, in order to ensure the necessary air of majesty,) is a historically neutral color in Persian history, that psychologists think will provoke no hostility and has been proven in clinical trials to soothe the normally turbulent Iraqi mind.

The President is particualary excited about the administration and execution of this plan, and is rumoured to have created a number of the details and terms himself. However, the plan has not yet been rubber-stamped by all the Armed Services as of yet. With recent troubles over the failure of the V-22 Osprey, the Air Force is reluctant to develop a proposed drone aircraft that employs largely expendable genetically modified chimpanzee pilots to patrol the No-Fly Zone, which shall be continued as part of any occupation. Fearing developmental problems, as well as outrage from Pilots within the Air Force and animal rights activists outside the service, the plans for the contested Flying Monkey Squadron have been placed on hold indefinitely.

Now i got nothin for Iraq. you ask me, they are like the guy in the apartment next to you that plays vanilla ice at full volume at three in the morning, you ask him to turn it down, and he smiles and says "sure," and then he does it, but the next day he's got debbie gibson going full blast, and you confront him again and he says "sure" and then turns it down.... pretty soon you realize that he's never going to figure out that this bothers you, (or if he knows it bothers you, he never gets it into his head that you are another human being, and deserve to be treated with respect) and unless you are forced to confront him every day, he's never going to stop turning up the frikken stereo.

SO you send in some guys to beat the crap out of him, bust his stereo, and put an armed guard outside his apartment to inspect his bags every day to ensure he isn't sneaking in a transistor radio. then a neighbor says "hey, he's got a walkman in there! and i think he's buying parts for an old tube amp and is salvaging old guitar amps to make a speaker!" so you start thinking that maybe you should send in some boys to forcibly evict him, and install the really cool roommate you had back in college, who at least had some TASTE in music... and then the neighbors get all in your shit and say "You can't do that! You've got to give him fair warning, the walls are thin!" and things like "he's got a lease, " and you aren't the landlord," and "Your gaurd won't let his kids out of his house." BLAH BLAH BLAH. I say i have the ABILITY to enforce this, so I will. It's clear that someone has to, he's a danger to all decent people who want to sleep at night. Guys like that, you give em any leeway and they will screw you. They care nothing for other people. So i say, kill that guy next door, let's see the rest of you try to stop me. The way I see it, you are with me or against me. And when he's gone, then maybe that other guy from downstairs will think twice before he comes up here to ask me to stop playing my music so loud. asshole.

and that's What I Think, About Iraq.

WARNING: parody ahead.... this is NOT REAL. (i hope)

on Meet the Press yesterday, Vice President Dick Cheney told Tim Russert that the president recently sat down with the heads of congress to reveal and review the secret evidence that the administration has collected about Iraq, hoping to drum up support for a new attack, which seems almost unavoidable given the rhetoric. Through my contacts (which are numerous) i have happened across a transcript of that meeting:

OK. I suppose you know that even some Right wing, hawkish Republicans are against action in Iraq, especially since the UN seems to have hung us out on the washline over this issue, but they don't know what we know, or if they know, they think they know, i mean, they don't really know, and there is more to it. So i'm going to tell you and here's the skinny on the shingle, so to speak.

Now, this first item, was broken by the New York Times today, so this is Unclassified, but for the purposes of this meeting, it's still Eyes Only, FOUO, EEFIS, and all that. We know that the Times has dropped the tab on this, but we don't want them to know that they know the thing that we know here. Anyhow, we've found that certain elements in Iraq have attempted to obtain Aluminum tubes that could maybe be used to construct an industrial centrifuge, which they tell me is a piece of equipment used to refine raw Uranium into weapons grade stuff. apparantly it can also be used to emulsify salad dressings, extract plasma from blood, lots of industrial uses, but better safe than sorry here. fortunately, some of our special ops folks intercepted it...

Um, no, i think they were FedEx. something aboput the next day air form not being correct upon pickup, so they wouldn't deliver it, anyhow, we've kept the lid on that.

the next item on the list is fissable material. now, there ain't a lot of this stuff about, and most of it we have pretty well got a lock on. but there are a few ways that things could get across our border. i've had our boys working on the possible sources, luminous watch faces from the 30's and 40's, old chemistry sets, the like. all this stuff checks out. BUT, Apparantly they made this pottery in the fifties, Fiestaware, and there was his bright colored glaze that they used that contained uranium. Now for the last ten, twenty years, any bits of this stuff that shows up in flea markets has just disappeared. we've got some boys from the secret service working on the fiestaware-iraq link, and we think that the entire production run could be pulverized and the uranium extracted and refined.

the next thing is this fortune i got the other night in my hunan food. it says "a positive change is on the horizon." now i've talked to our director of Faith Based Programs, and he assures me that this is providence giving the greenlight on the invasion, especially since i've been calling for a "regime change" some of the same language you, see? and i tell you, was that a load off my mind. Just knowing that the big J is behind me on this helps me deal with all these hypothetical WWJD? bumper sticker types and so on that i get plagued with from time to time. I'm not sure if Falwell would buy the whole fortune thing, and so I got Ridge and Rumsfeld to help me dig up some stuff from the good book to throw in there too.

and finally, Laura got this e-mail forward the other day with some scary Nostradamus "quatrains" in there, and i got to tell you, some of the stuff was pretty scary. "the a-rab in the blue turban will send fire from heaven to the city of the angel and the city of the lady" let me tell, you it shook her and Jenna up pretty bad (they were both cruising around on the net looking for some new canape recipes on Martha Stewart Living for the dinner with the canadian PM tomorrow.) Now it don't take some fella looking in a metal bowl to know that fire from heaven means a Ballistic Missile, like a scud, and the city of the lady, and the city of the angel could be LA and new york, irrespecively. SO i went to Connie Rice and asked if she could see if they had some kind of super-scud or maybe some kind of futuristic hot-air balloon like that guy that just flew around the world the other day, that could get all the way over here, and her boys at Jane's and in the Army Intel, say that they coulda made ANYTHING in there in the last eight years. though they had been looking in on the whole scud thing, the balloon idea caught em totally by suprise. i was shocked to learn that we have NO CONTINGENCY plan in case of futuristic hot-air baloons. (i mean gheesh, am i the only one taking this stuff seriously here?) anyhow, i can tell you that we have a tiger team working on it as we speak. So far they think that a space-based, anti-balloon missile system is our best bet, and we can get lockheed to develop it for a couple of billion. but anyhow, my point is, he could have giant lasers, super-intellegent rats, cannibalistic radioactive north korean mutants, we won't know unless we go in and knock him out, and see what he has going on in there. SO i figure we gotta get our Iraq on and get old Saddam OUT.

twink281:OMG OMG LOL
aaronzgal:no way
twink281:yes way
aaronzgal:OMG LOLOLOLOLOL
twink281:yes, he was
aaronzgal:he was like
aaronzgal:and i was like
twink281:and he
twink281:was he like?
aaronzgal:oh so like that!
twink281:OMG! OMG! OMG!
aaronzgal:LOL LOLOLOL OMG LOLOL
twink281:LOL *ow* head hurts! can't breathe!
aaronzgal:heeee heee
twink281:no, seriously i'm choking on a pretzel!
aaronzgal:LOL GAG ME WIF A SPUN!
twink281:*snort* LOLOLOLOL
aaronzgal:no a speculum!
twink281:oh, gross. okay, i'm dead now, you can stop.

oooo! you go!

ow! behave!

is that a ROCKET in your POCKET!

it's the guilt that makes it feel good! you SEXY mannequin

STIPE
the Seattle Technical Institute for Pseudo Education
"where fools rush in."

Are you tired of having others lord their supposed "knowledge" over you? Befuddled by complex explainations and frightened by perceived authority? Can't afford the high price tags associated with "higher education?" Well, I'm here to tell you that there is another way! Here at the Seattle Technical Institute for Pseudo Education*, we offer a series of courses specializing in the appearance of knowledge. Yes, you no longer need to fear opinions and points of view, now you can pretend to know as much as any other "highly educated" academic! We offer a number of easy to obtain correspondence degrees in such diverse pseudo fields as:

armchair quarterback
backseat driver
survivalist constitutional law
historical revisionist
dormitory council
coctail party psychoanalyst
back-alley pharmacist
cellblock lawyer
quack
corner-cubicle pc repairman
"ex" navy seal
home depot electrician
customer service "supervisor"

(*Not actually affiliated with "education." For entertainment purposes only. Do not attempt to make life altering decisions based upon this information.)

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