saint_monkey

Lookit that, willya. 8 AM in the friggin AM, and it's 80 right now, with a forecast of 93. (Them's degrees FAHRENHEIT. "Fight the Metric System. We Don't Want No Foreign Rulers!")

Ninety-frikken-three.

NEWS FLASH: It has come to my attention that the sun is a GIANT FLAMING BALL OF PLASMA. Shouldn't somebody do something about that? Honestly, let's say that the new guy is moving into the house next to you, and while he's unloading his stereo speakers from his hoopty, you discover that he is a GIANT FLAMING BALL OF PLASMA. Who has time to worry about terror when you are being oppressed by a giant ball of compressed gas superheated to twenty-seven million degrees. You have no idea how fast ice cream melts at twenty-seven million degrees. You don't want that in your neighborhood! And everyone talks about GLOBAL WARMING and they point to crazy stuff like pollution while overlooking the obvious conclusion of SCIENCE! Which is so totally this (because I know a hella bunch of scientists, yo.) The conclusion of science is: THE SUN IS HOT, MY FRIEND.

You think it's a coincidence that we have this giant ball of flaming gas around, and stuff starts heating up? No. I think not. So why have we let this oppressive stellar object disrupt our lives like this? Aren't we the "United States of America™?" Can't we "Do Anything if We Put Our Minds to it?™" I say we all start pulling together and we come up with a plan to deal with this oppressive sun regime.

http://www.raptureletters.com/

After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won't listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them?

We have written a computer program to do just that. It will send an Electronic Message (e-mail) to whomever you want after the rapture has taken place, and you and I have been taken to heaven.

How is this accomplished, you might ask. It's a dead man switch that will automatically send the emails when it is not reset.

But... What if you die, you know, a normal death, and then the switch is not reset?

Premature e-rapture-ation.

Let my Cameron go.



(Although I think in this case, we mean Cameron Marlow, the survey creator.)

Didja ever wonder if in a few years, we will look back on this and think, "Why did I ever waste my time determining which naughty "My Little Pony" character I am, when every three seconds, a child dies from malnutrition?"

Nah, me neither:

You Are Copyright Infringement Pony!
Posting this picture infringes upon someone's infringement. (Hasbro can take it, the pussies.) I love the copyright in the lower right corner, Don't you steal my derivitave concept! That's special for ME.

NEHOW, Click if you must, to find out: "What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?"

This whole work thing? You know, where I'm supposed to come to work and do work and all?

Yeah, that's not working for me right now.

Love,

Steffan

People! Where is your outrage? WHERE!?

Oh. Wait, I found it. It's here under the sink.

Well. Just make sure you remember to bring it this time.

Cause I don't want to get there and not have it.

Last time it was all "Where's the outrage?" And I was like "I don't KNOW! I had it a bit ago. Let's see, I came in, and had the outrage, and the bag of chips. I put down the keys, (there they are) and I ate the chips while watching TV. And I put the Outrage......? GAH! I don't know! Fresh out. Nowhere to be found."

So that's not happening again, cause I looked really stupid. All of us standing around with no outrage. We're going to BRING IT this time.

Given that: Rob came to get down. Rob wants to rock right now. If he counts to three and wants you to get busy, then:

a. How many bodies or components does it take to make a thing go right?

b. How many bodies or components does it take to make it out of sight?

Extra credit, please describe:

i.The directions bodies are moving in or currents are flowing in

ii.Masses, velocities, resistances etc (Algebraic/Symbolic values like x1, R3 m5 etc)

iii. Any forces or constraints acting on the system or part of the system

Please show your work.

woo!



A Play in one act, By Certified Literary Genius™ Steffan "Obi-Wan" Ziegler


Downstairs Neighbor #1 : Woo! Woo! Wooo! Woo! (Banging on things with a Mochi hammer.) That's what, seven hours?

Neighbor # 2: Yup. Seven beautiful hours of banging around going "Woo!"

Neighbor # 1: Isn't it great that we are the only people in the whole entire world?

Neighbor # 2: Woo!

Neighbor # 1: I know! Let's burn some onions!

Neighbor # 2: I don't know, can we still go "Woo!" while we do it?

Neighbor # 1: Sure! Wooo! LIFE IS GREAT! Let's burn us up some ONIONS. O!-N!-I!-O!-N!-S! ONIONS! Woo!

(They cut up and burn some onions in a skillet.)

Neighbor 2: Man. that was great. I've got tears in my eyes. Onions sure are great! When you are happy, they make you cry! Goooooo ONIONS! Woo!

Neighbor #1: Yeah..... MAN. I'm exhausted, what shall we do now?

(Pause)

Neighbors 1 & 2: Woo! (Bang!) Woo!

---

Please send Pulitzer Prize to:

Steffan Ziegler
3901 Manayunk ave #802
philadelphia PA

So if you have coveralls and overalls and you want to wear them both at the same time, which do you put on first?

EDIT: this is no mere question of etiquitte. The very nature of existence is at stake.

How can coveralls cover all if they are worn over-top of overalls which by definition should be over all other things you wear? If you try it with the overalls over the coveralls, you just create the same problem. We need an answer here.

It is a paradox! By wearing coveralls over overalls if you should by nature be wearing overalls over coveralls, you will create a space-time continuum rift which will suck an evil goatee sporting version of Colin Farrell into our universe from a parallel plane. As the polar opposite of Colin Farrell, he will be an excellent actor but not get enough roles. Do you want that on your hands? I think not.

TO RESIDENT'S AT THE InTERNATIONAL WOrKING MENS ASSOSIATION:

COMMUNISM CAN NEVER SUCCEED UNLESS WE ALL AGREE TO REPLENISH THE WATER IN THE ICE CUBE TRAYS AFTER WE USE IT!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN WE BE TRUSTED TO DISTrIBUTE THE WEALTH OF THE STATE WHEN WE SELFISHLY CONSUME ALL THE ICE AND LEAVE THE TRAYS EMPTY FOR WHEN KARL WANTS HIS COFFEE ICED???????? THE WORKERS CAN NOT CONTROL THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION WHEN THEy CANT BE COUNTED ON TO CONTROL THE MEANS OF ICE PRODUCTION.

TRULY.

KARL MARX

The dishes are piling up, and things are getting quite bad.

I had these Irish elves that came in at night and washed the dishes for me, but they started demanding higher wages. They got paid in Guinness, the little freaks drank a case a week. In addition, they were threatening to strike over the health plan. So I talked to this offshore dude, who said that he could bring in some illegal imps that would work for honey and bread if I left it under the table. When I asked why they would work so cheap, he said that they used to be bottled imps, and they are so happy to be in america that they don't even know the difference. Apparantly Philly is a great place if you used to live in a bottle. Who knew? So I figure, if they are happy, and I am happy, then everybody's happy, so who's hurt?

That was before the Imp corpses started appearing. Apparantly, the Leprechauns had some way of handling the cat that the Imps don't know about. To make a long story short, the Imps won't come back. Something about the stink of their dead. Superstitious little bastards. So I up the amount of honey and bread, and spray the place down with Lysol, and that way the new batch of Imps stay blissfully ignorant. At least until they start disappearing, but that's their concern, not mine.

So a couple of days ago I wake up with this little white suited blighter sitting in my kitchen. Turns out he's Seamus O'Flarhatty, head of Magical Elves Local 401. He sits there drinking my coffee, neat as you please, and he tells me that "Bad things" could start happening unless I ditched the offshore labor. He has connections, you see, with some very evil types, and accidents of all sorts have been known to occur when you cross the "little people." I told him to do his worst, and he said that I didn't know who I was fucking with. Boy was he right.

So now, the Leprechauns are starting to spike the Imps' honey with whiskey. This makes them slow to evade the cat, who is becoming very adept at dispatching the little buggers. In addition, the number of cats in my home seems to be multiplying, I was pretty sure I only had one, but now it seems I've three. I'd get rid of the other two, but they all look just alike, and I want to keep my own cat. To top it all off, they are all getting really chunky(Who knew that Imps were so high in fat? Must be all the Honey. Plus, they must not be very filling, because the cats are all eating a lot more of the normal type of cat food.) So every morning I get big piles of either drunk or dead imps, bloated and gassy cats sleeping off a frenzied night of gnome chomping, badly spelled Gaelic-English Grafitti spraypainted on my car and (what I hope is) mud splattered all over my kitchen. To top it all off, the Leprechauns are starting to bring in the dirty dishes from other people's kitchens.

Some weeks you shouldn't even bother.