(no subject)

[saint_monkey]

warning, this parody has not been authorized by the department of homeland security.

WASHINGTON: The New York Times published a story on Friday that outlined the Pentagon's plans for administering the nation of Iraq in the aftermath of any military actions there. The system will be set up along time tested and historically proven prior militarily administered occupations, such as MacArthur's occupation of Japan.

The story goes on to supply a significant amount of detail. The nation will be divided into four ethnic sublocalities, each to be governed by a regional tribal warlord. There shall be a quarter of the country for the Sunnis, a quarter for the Kurds, a quarter for the Shiites and a Quarter for the Turkomans and Asyrians. Each regional warlord or tribal magician, or "Witch" if you will, shall be then divided by polarity, with each having an opposing viewpoint, one generally "Good Witch" will be installed in the North and South, and one "Bad Witch" in both the East and West. Hopefully minor orchestrated skirmishes between the forces of each opposing Witch will divert and distract attention from any large scale uprising which would threaten the general security of the nation.

The nation as a whole shall be governed by a central administrative authority, probably the commander of the US Persian Gulf Forces. However, to ensure an air of unapproachable mysticisim, that commander shall be known in Iraq as a "Wizard", preferrably one that is "Great and Terrible." Naturally, any authority would need to retain the ancient and centrally located capital of Bagdad, but the city itself, (which the administration expects to suffer considerable damage during the war of occupation, ) shall be rebuilt into a large crystalline green city. Green, ( or "Emerald," as this city will be known, in order to ensure the necessary air of majesty,) is a historically neutral color in Persian history, that psychologists think will provoke no hostility and has been proven in clinical trials to soothe the normally turbulent Iraqi mind.

The President is particualary excited about the administration and execution of this plan, and is rumoured to have created a number of the details and terms himself. However, the plan has not yet been rubber-stamped by all the Armed Services as of yet. With recent troubles over the failure of the V-22 Osprey, the Air Force is reluctant to develop a proposed drone aircraft that employs largely expendable genetically modified chimpanzee pilots to patrol the No-Fly Zone, which shall be continued as part of any occupation. Fearing developmental problems, as well as outrage from Pilots within the Air Force and animal rights activists outside the service, the plans for the contested Flying Monkey Squadron have been placed on hold indefinitely.