"A Christmas Wish" Starring Geo. Bush.
Dec. 9th, 2002 02:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saint_monkey(open on a set roughly resembling the oval office. THE PRESIDENT is at his desk, deep in thought, enter RUMSFELD)
Don Rumsfeld: "we've found them mr. president."
President: "what? my tiny beanie babies? it was Rove wuddn it? that SOB. if he knew how many happy meals i had to buy to get that damn ostrich.."
Rumsfeld: "no mr. president, that was Blix on the phone. They've found them"
President: "Blix? inn he a reindeer or somethin?"
Rumsfeld: no sir, that's blitzen. this is Hans Blix, the head of the UNSCOM inspection team in bagdhad.. they've found them."
President: "you mean?"
Rumsfeld: "yes. the weapons of mass destruction. they were in one of Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces."
President: "I KNEW IT!"
Rumsfeld: "yes, they were tucked into a couple of boxes in the the closet, up by the top... marked 'xmas ornaments.' "
President: "man. that's well hidden. how did they figure it out?"
Rumsfeld: "well, it's Iraq, they have ramadan, not christmas, so the inspectors thought it was odd, so they took a look. and there under a couple of santa ornaments and a clothespin reindeer, were just stacks and stacks of weapons of mass destruction"
President: "man, that's a bummer, i knew saddam was EVIL, but no christmas? as soon as we take over, we gotta give em christmas back."
Rumsfeld: "yes, sir. it's just another illustration of how dire things have become over there."
President: "so... what type of weapons did we find?"
Rumsfeld: "um. massive ones. and um, destructive ones. massive weapons of mass destruction, missles, mostly."
President: "so the report didn't say anything about that, what's the story there?"
Rumsfeld: "Saddam said that they were supposed to be destroyed in '91, but they were a gift from his beloved people to use against the heartless, callous kurds of kurdistan, and he held onto them for sentimental reasons."
President: "hmm. what else was there?"
Rumsfeld: "some loompanics books, like 'Uncle Fester's guide to Airborne Pathogens,' 'How to fabricate your own weapons of mass destruction' and 'the poor man's lockheed-martin ground to air heat seeking missle battery guide,' 'gassing your population into submission,' and oh yeah 'The Joy of Mocking the Will of the UN and the United States By Obfuscating Evidence and Delaying a Rightous War of Freedom.' "
President: "oh man! now if that ain't proof! fire up the F-15's! and get me a BULLHORN!"
Rumsfeld: "the Huey is already warming up in the garage sir,"
President: "Kick Ass!"
Ari Fleischer: "Mr. President! Al Gore is on the phone! he wants to conceede the election!"
President:"What, again! talk about a sore loser, now Muskie, there was a ..."
Fleischer: "No Mr, President, not the 2000 election, he's heard about the war and wants to conceede the 2004 election! and plus, he says Nancy Pelosi is drafting legislation to change the National Anthem to Nazareth's Hair of the Dog, and Tom Daschle has decided to do "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" in a red wig and a pink tutu on next week's 'Meet the Press!' "
President: (runs upstage) "WOW! This is the best Christmas EVER!"
(Backdrop quickly falls in front of the office set, a bedroom is painted on the drop. a bed on casters is pushed in from stage left, LAURA is in the bed, she tosses a nightcap to GEORGE who hastily puts it on and jumps into bed, closes his eyes and drops to sleep. a large wardrobe, also on casters, is pushed on from stage right.)
George: (mumbling) "Best Christmas ever.... best... christmas...(softer and faster) don't mind if i do, Stoli if you'll be so kind..."
Laura: "George! George! WAKE UP!"
George: "Whut... whut.. oh, Laura."
Laura: "You must have been having a bad dream dear."
George: "yes... but it wasn't a bad dream, it was the best dream EVER! it was like.... like a fantastic WISH COME TRUE!"
Bar Bush: (jumps out of the wardrobe) "then it must be a CHRISTMAS WISH, George."
George: "MOM!"
Bar: "Yes George, i've been hiding in the wardrobe this whole time!"
George:"you mean?"
Bar: "yes, but that isn't important. what IS important is your CHRISTMAS WISH! if you close your eyes and wish ever so hard, it will come true on christmas morning!"
George:"no foolin?"
Bar: "no foolin."
George: "oh boy! i'm going to start wishing right now."
Enter ALL from both sides
ALL (together) That's our George!
(Applause as curtain drops.)
Don Rumsfeld: "we've found them mr. president."
President: "what? my tiny beanie babies? it was Rove wuddn it? that SOB. if he knew how many happy meals i had to buy to get that damn ostrich.."
Rumsfeld: "no mr. president, that was Blix on the phone. They've found them"
President: "Blix? inn he a reindeer or somethin?"
Rumsfeld: no sir, that's blitzen. this is Hans Blix, the head of the UNSCOM inspection team in bagdhad.. they've found them."
President: "you mean?"
Rumsfeld: "yes. the weapons of mass destruction. they were in one of Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces."
President: "I KNEW IT!"
Rumsfeld: "yes, they were tucked into a couple of boxes in the the closet, up by the top... marked 'xmas ornaments.' "
President: "man. that's well hidden. how did they figure it out?"
Rumsfeld: "well, it's Iraq, they have ramadan, not christmas, so the inspectors thought it was odd, so they took a look. and there under a couple of santa ornaments and a clothespin reindeer, were just stacks and stacks of weapons of mass destruction"
President: "man, that's a bummer, i knew saddam was EVIL, but no christmas? as soon as we take over, we gotta give em christmas back."
Rumsfeld: "yes, sir. it's just another illustration of how dire things have become over there."
President: "so... what type of weapons did we find?"
Rumsfeld: "um. massive ones. and um, destructive ones. massive weapons of mass destruction, missles, mostly."
President: "so the report didn't say anything about that, what's the story there?"
Rumsfeld: "Saddam said that they were supposed to be destroyed in '91, but they were a gift from his beloved people to use against the heartless, callous kurds of kurdistan, and he held onto them for sentimental reasons."
President: "hmm. what else was there?"
Rumsfeld: "some loompanics books, like 'Uncle Fester's guide to Airborne Pathogens,' 'How to fabricate your own weapons of mass destruction' and 'the poor man's lockheed-martin ground to air heat seeking missle battery guide,' 'gassing your population into submission,' and oh yeah 'The Joy of Mocking the Will of the UN and the United States By Obfuscating Evidence and Delaying a Rightous War of Freedom.' "
President: "oh man! now if that ain't proof! fire up the F-15's! and get me a BULLHORN!"
Rumsfeld: "the Huey is already warming up in the garage sir,"
President: "Kick Ass!"
Ari Fleischer: "Mr. President! Al Gore is on the phone! he wants to conceede the election!"
President:"What, again! talk about a sore loser, now Muskie, there was a ..."
Fleischer: "No Mr, President, not the 2000 election, he's heard about the war and wants to conceede the 2004 election! and plus, he says Nancy Pelosi is drafting legislation to change the National Anthem to Nazareth's Hair of the Dog, and Tom Daschle has decided to do "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies" in a red wig and a pink tutu on next week's 'Meet the Press!' "
President: (runs upstage) "WOW! This is the best Christmas EVER!"
(Backdrop quickly falls in front of the office set, a bedroom is painted on the drop. a bed on casters is pushed in from stage left, LAURA is in the bed, she tosses a nightcap to GEORGE who hastily puts it on and jumps into bed, closes his eyes and drops to sleep. a large wardrobe, also on casters, is pushed on from stage right.)
George: (mumbling) "Best Christmas ever.... best... christmas...(softer and faster) don't mind if i do, Stoli if you'll be so kind..."
Laura: "George! George! WAKE UP!"
George: "Whut... whut.. oh, Laura."
Laura: "You must have been having a bad dream dear."
George: "yes... but it wasn't a bad dream, it was the best dream EVER! it was like.... like a fantastic WISH COME TRUE!"
Bar Bush: (jumps out of the wardrobe) "then it must be a CHRISTMAS WISH, George."
George: "MOM!"
Bar: "Yes George, i've been hiding in the wardrobe this whole time!"
George:"you mean?"
Bar: "yes, but that isn't important. what IS important is your CHRISTMAS WISH! if you close your eyes and wish ever so hard, it will come true on christmas morning!"
George:"no foolin?"
Bar: "no foolin."
George: "oh boy! i'm going to start wishing right now."
Enter ALL from both sides
ALL (together) That's our George!
(Applause as curtain drops.)
