Steffan’s Star Trek TNG Guide: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

THE GOOD
Season One

• Conspiracy: Imagine for a moment that a two headed being composed of the heads of Robert Heinlein and David Cronenburg decided to write an episode of Star Trek, and that’s close to this episode. I won't give too much away, but by the end of this one, somebody gets a *real* bad case of indigestion.
  

Season Two:

• Samaritan Snare: The Pakleds give a three day course on the importance of Intellectual property rights. ("You are smart, make us coffee.") They also kidnap Geordi, who falls in love with their holodeck (Not yet, Steffan, wait for it!))
  
• A Matter of Honor: Riker outmaneuvers the Enterprise as an exchange officer on a Klingon Ship. Fortunately, he's not in command of the Klingon ship long enough to crash it into a planet.
  

Season Five:

• Darmok: A nod to “The Arena” on classic Trek, but with an intelligent (yet unrealistic) linguistic twist concerning a race of alien managers who only speak in business meaphors. “Darmok at Tanagra, thinks outside the box. Picard and Dathon, synergise their respective baileywicks.” (No, that is not a euphemism)
  
• Violations: Just to show that I’m not always picking on Troi, (just wait till we get to "The UGLY.") this episode, involving psychic rape, was always one of my favorites. Someone finally realized the creepy potential of Riker's pet phrase "Nimsadhi." The beard can harm as well as help, people.
  
• Cause and Effect: The Enterprise is trapped in a continual loop, as their lives play out the episode of Cheers where Woody writes the "Kelly" song. Kelsey Grammer guest stars as clueless Star Trek “Wrath of Khan” era starship captain. “What friggin wormhole? Don’t make me spill my martini!”

Season Six:

• Chain of Command (parts one and two) In the best of the two parters, the Cardassians are introduced as the new psychopaths on the block. Ronny Cox, the villain from Total Recall comes in and kicks ass as a suprise replacement for Picard, while Picard, Worf, and Dr Crusher play at being black ops troopers. Just when you think it can’t get better, Picard is water-boarded by (surprise) David Warner, who subtly chews up the scenery as a Cardassian inquisitor.
  
• Second Chances: It’s Ambitious Riker vs Sensitive Riker in a cage match showdown that involves refraction of transporter signals, a beard-off, and regrets. Lots of regrets.
  

The BAD
Season Three:

• Booby Trap:As a side plot in an otherwise interesting episode, Geordi takes creepy internet stalking to the next level by abusing the holodeck and official starfleet records, in order to create the future version of a Dana Scully blow-up doll. Somebody had some really warped sense of personal dynamics to write this one. Fortunately, the writers realize this, and in Season Six's "Galaxy's Child," the metaphorical chickens come metaphorically home to metaphorically roost, when his blow-up doll shows up IRL, OMG! She disses his homemade pasta, calls him a creep, has the audacity to be married, and she snaps all the arms off his Sailor Moon action figures.

Season Five:

• The Outcast: A perfectly happy androgynous member of a sexless neo-con society is screwed up by the introduction of Riker’s unbridled beardyness. Riker pursues the "Kirk Directive." ("TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.") In an interesting glimpse into some of the “off camera” activities that must have went on, Riker and Worf decide: “Screw it, let’s kidnap him/her/it.” BUT, just like the end of Love Story, they’re too late to stop the lobotomy.
  
• The Inner Light: In what should have been a real stinker, a mysterious space probe messes with Picard, who mentally lives a second life with Cassandra Syndrome. Anyhow, as a bonus, he learns to play the flute! (As if anything could threaten his sexiness. Picard is so sexy, he plays the friggin flute ANYWAY.)
  
• The First Duty: Wesley’s finest moment comes, when he must rat out his friends in order to maintain honor and dignity. (Wait a minute, this is Wesley we’re talking about, right?)
  

Season Six:

• Starship Mine: Picard is caught without saddle oil, and has to relive the plot of “Under Siege” in space.
  

THE UGLY
Season One:

• Angel One: Riker is transported to a matriarchal planet where he must pursue the “Kirk Directive” and sex up their sexy leader. Sexyness ensues, with sexy results.
  

Season Two:

• Loud as a Whisper: The enterprise must deliver yet another mediator to yet another crisis. This time it’s a red-headed stranger who can’t speak except through a chorus of psychics, and yet is somehow able to pitch woo in Troi’s direction through his skilled use of puppy-dog eyes, and the wondrous lyricisim of his raised eyebrows.
  
• The Outrageous Okona: The Enterprise ends up harboring the “smuggler of love,” Okona, whose mission seems to be to pursue the "Kirk Directive," wherever it takes him. The side plot with Data failing to learn to be funny from Joe Piscopo (I’m NOT kidding.) is what *really* sinks up this episode. This SHOULD have taught them to ignore distress calls.
  
• Up The Long Ladder: Unfortunately, they learned NOTHING. Another distress call lures the enterprise to “Planet of the Irish Sterotypes” where they must transport a planet of said "faith and begorrah" muttering chariactures to a suburb planet peopled with socialites that are dying from genetic drift gone haywire. This one has it all. Bad accents, goat jokes, cellular theft, unauthorized cloning, whiskey galore, and Riker spreads some beardy magic in pursuit of the "Kirk Directive."
  
• Shades of Grey: While on an away team, Riker is pricked with a thorn that infects him with a brain disease. Dr Pulaski realizes that only a clip show montage of “memories” will save Riker, kill the organism, and bore everyone to tears.

Season Three:

• The Price: Troi meets still *ANOTHER* hot negotiator with sexy results, when the Enterprise hosts a dispute over a wormhole (No, that’s not a euphemism.) The negotiator? A cad. The Wormhole? Worthless. The Ferengi, annoying.
  
• Menage a Troi: Watching the episode is a violation of the Geneva convention. For some reason, Troi, and her mother are kidnapped by Ferengi. Need I say more? Oh, yeah. Wesley saves the day.

Season Four:

• Family: After having borg implants taken out of his head, Picard has to go visit the "whinery" on earth. Yawnfest ensues.
  
• The Loss: Troi loses her empathic powers. (What? She can no longer sense that shouting people are angry? Troi is so useless) Anyhow, Troi begins to think she’s useless, and it takes everyone the entire episode to convince her otherwise. They manage to convince Troi that her life has meaning, but fail to impress this fact upon me.
  
• Half a Life: Lwaxana Troi’s love life collides with a bad remake of Logan’s Run.
  
• QPid: (How could I have missed this one?) Q turns the crew into Robin Hood and his Merry Men? I can’t truly call it one of the worst, since I’ve never seen it. BUT, how could this be any good?

Season Six:

• Rascals: Someone smelled this script mouldering in the rejection pile and aired it in a dead spot in the 6th season. Picard and several other members of the crew are turned into children by the ship's transporter, just as the Ferengi show up to take over the ship! Hijinks ensue. They get this darling blond kid to yank his sweater down from time to time and talk all English and stuff. It's so precocious. Maybe the next episode will kick ass?
  
• A Fistful of Datas: Nope. The next episode after "Rascals," "Fistful" begins when Geordi plugs Data into the computer, causing the holodeck (why haven't they shut that damn thing down?) to malfunction and start hunting down Worf and Alexander, which isn't all bad I guess. I mean, I'd sacrifice Worf to get rid of Alexander. Suffice it to say, this episode ends like all bad episodes should, with Brent Spiner in drag kissing Michael Dorn. Slashfiction, anyone?
  

Season Seven:

• Sub Rosa: My vote for absolute worst episode EVAR. Beverly Crusher is trapped in a very bad harlequin romance novel, where she is living in a lighthouse, controlled by a ghost in a lantern, with sexy results. I've only seen it once, and it made my brain initiate a psychotic fugue in order to escape.
  
• Journey’s End: With this episode, the series drives a stake through Wesley Crusher’s heart. Unable to resolve the conflicted being that they have created, they make him into a new-age defender of a lost tribe of Native Americans who refuse to vacate their home planet in the face of certain destruction. WARNING, white angst levels approaching critical! What we need now is Wesley the Messiah bringing hokey Deus ex Machina! All his conflict and personal life journey lead up to... this.
  
• Masks: (Aka: "Data's not here right now, Mrs Torrance.") The Enterprise fails to avoid yet another evil space probe, and is transformed into a Peter Schaffer setpiece to give Brent Spiner a chance to act. Data is “possessed” by a hokey alien civilization that infects the Enterprise via comet, just like in “Night of the Living Dead.” Charmless mystery involving semiotics and "multiple personality disorder dialog."